Wednesday, May 30, 2012


There are days that I remember why I am here, and days that I forget. I was a bit more on the forgetful side this morning with the internet not working and the heat and the long list of to do's for the day, but this song was all the reminder of what I needed. They start out in "our" country in the extremely familiar auto rickshaws, involve a choir of little African kids (and who doesn't LOVE that?!) and watching people of all languages worship just brought me to tears remembering my purpose. Hope your also will be encouraged to see the love of our Father and his name being praised in all corners of the earth. Makes you want to join in, doesn't it?!

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Out of my Control

I have never thought of myself as a control freak. I am pretty much a "go with the flow," people please-er. I think one of the most eye opening things about the past few months is becoming aware of my desire to control something, and the detriment of trying to control something just for the sake of controlling it. This happens in South Asia and it drives us nuts... There may be a guard who does nothing all day but tell people to park in some random order. It is the only "power" the guy has, but he still needs to exert his power to control where you park, or which way the nose of your car is turned. They tell you to not walk somewhere just because it is the only thing that they have any control over. I think they are crazy "control freaks" but I know that I am not any better than them. I try to control things around my house, and in my own way do the same little nit-picky things. I try to control my schedule, but life here is totally full of unexpected plans and you never know who is going to call you and ask you to come over or who might be at the door stopping by to visit. 

So, I have to say how hard it is to not be in control of things with our adoption. We have done all we can up to this point and we are just waiting on paperwork and then it will be even more waiting for our referral, and then more waiting for Ethiopia to set up a court date for us, and then MORE waiting for the US embassy to approve all the Ethiopian paperwork and then give them a visa. Nothing in pretty much the rest of the process is within our control. I feel like I could go through everything about our child (or kids) that I cannot control... but instead of being upset at the long list of things I can't control, I would rather make it into a prayer list. I cannot control if the birth mother of our baby eats good food and drinks clean water, but I can pray that she make good choices and stays healthy. I cannot control who finds them, gives them up, or whatever happens before they are in the adoption agency's hands, but I KNOW the one who will be with our baby before anyone, and I will trust Him to take care of them when I can't be there yet. I can't control the judges and authorities in Ethiopia, but I will depend One who is truly judge and authority of all and leave things in HIS control. I can't control how long things take, but I will ask the Lord to continue to grow Ryan and me as we wait and that our baby will grow strong and be ready to come home to us at God's perfect timing. I wish we could just push past all the obstacles of adoption and needy babies would be placed in loving families without any issues, waiting for a year or more, or tens of thousands of dollars, but that is not the world in which we live. It just makes me long even more the world in which God is in supreme control and there is no pain, no death, no tears... the forever home we were made for... but until then, we live in a world where things are not fair, and life is not easy. One thing I can control is my attitude towards the whole thing. I can control my reaction to the injustices. I can give my selfish desires to the Lord and allow his perfect timing to be my delight. I can surrender to HIS plan and be excited about what our family will look like. Though it is hard to unclasp my grip on wanting to control our future family, but I will let go... leave my desires at the feet of Jesus... and let HIM be in control of everything.

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Sown in Tears...

In my life, I think I have had things pretty easy. Life in India and being so far from home and family as well as the struggles of being in a place where things don't go like they "should" has not been easy, but pretty much everything is do-able. I have had my share of tears, no doubt, but nothing has been as hard as what I am about to write. This is the first time I have actually shared this in writing, so it might sound a bit raw, but its just me being real and accepting life as it is.

I have always wanted to have a scores of kiddos... I wanted 5 since I was little. Ryan and I compromised on 3, and soon after we got married we figured we should start. As you all know, our planning and timing was not the Lord's.... and we have seen all the emotions: patience, anxiousness, bitterness, confusion, as well as contentment, waiting on our baby. Our kids. I have gone through seasons of jealousy, anger, excitement, fear, as well as grieving the loss of something I might never have.

This last week God gave me a verse for someone else who is having a baby and has gone through her own share of tears along the way of the birth of this little guy, and as I shared it with her, I realized that it was also for me.
Psalm 126:5-6 "Those who sow in tears, will reap with songs of JOY. He who goes out carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of JOY, carrying sheaves with him."
There is something to be gained through the months and years of tears, waiting. I wish there was a way to just change things and make our adoption easier, or for us to have a baby naturally, but it is just a long, HARD road. Some days I am so grateful for the time I have now to prepare our home, and make the perfect quilt and crochet projects. I have lots of time to pour into language and work here in our city and I have energy and time to be out with people, building relationships. I am thankful. But it does not make it easier. I still have my moments when I wonder if it will EVER happen... Adoption is not for the feint of heart. It is a long, detailed process that is WAY out of my comfort zone, and living internationally and adopting from a different country makes things even more insane. But this is our life. And for some reason, God wants to teach me through my tears how to be more like HIM. How to have compassion on people in a way I have never shown compassion before. I don't think this adoption is just creating a better life for a child, or a way for Ryan and I to grow our family, but it is a way for God to grow us, deepen our relationship with him, and remind us that we are not in control of anything, but everything is in HIS sovereign hands. 

It is still SO long until the day we will finally get to hold our little guy in our arms.... We have so much more paperwork and there could be delays for any number of things, but we are just trusting that one day, "our faith will be sight"(at least in this area) and we will be able to hug and kiss our little Rainbolt... or Rainbolts!.... and that we will be unable to contain the songs of JOY as we carry our sheaves home with us! I long for that day, but like my mom said once, "It's not on the mountain tops that our faith grows deep roots... It's down in the valleys, when life is hard and maybe a bit sad that we can deepen our roots and grow us to bring HIM more Glory." So, we will continue to carry out the seed, and plant it in places we have not been before, and even as we sow in tears, we know that there will one day be a harvest. I wish we could just stop all the injustices in the world and life could just work like we plan, but our God is too good to just let us have everything we want. He sometimes does not give us the things we ask for simply because he knows the future better than we do. Maybe there can never be a harvest without the tears to begin with... to water the long hardened ground... so that God can produce a harvest of JOY! I want to be part of THAT... and even when "the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vine, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen, and no cattle in the stalls, YET I WILL REJOICE IN THE LORD, I will be joyful in GOD my Savior." Habakkuk 3:17-18