As I get ready for the next step in life, it makes me think back to where I have been in the past few years. Life in South Asia to life in Bay area, being in America for two hours and then getting engaged, married life and working as a three year old teacher... Life has been dramatically different, but I feel so at home doing all these things. I am a bit ashamed as I write this, but I feel like writing it down will help me not make the same mistakes again. The word of the day is Sacrifice... Sometimes I get a bit of a selfish attitude with God and try to tell him that I am doing SO MUCH for Him and (as I said, shamefully) I try to tell him that I am doing all I can for Him, and now its time for Him to do something for me, and give me the things I ask Him for. I guess I assume that the more I sacrifice for Him, the more I deserve or should receive from Him. Somehow I figured that sacrifices= rewards. It's not about "me", but about HIM.
We were appointed last weekend, and being surrounded by amazing others who are also about to uproot their "cushy" lives to take their families to live at the ends of the earth was humbling. The sacrifices that these families are making is astounding. They have given up so much of their "stuff" so they can move overseas in a few suitcases. Living with hands wide open, holding so loosely onto things that to let go of them is not really even a sacrifice...It is actually a freeing feeling to let go of stuff! I love the feeling of another box given to Goodwill! I figure that if I can sacrifice stuff and my nice simple American life then I must be good at sacrificing, but it is SO much more than stuff and where you live. I know I am not good at sacrificing my desires and my personal dreams. I get on my knees and still demand that God answer my requests. And in MY time. But it is all in HIS time, which has been proven even in my own life to be better than my momentary fix. I know that HE is working and will always work for HIS glory and I am so humbled to be part of HIS plans.
I was speaking in a 5 year old sunday school class, and one of the kids questions was, "Why did God pick you?" I was struck by the simplicity and depth of that question. Why did He pick me? I asked the kids, "Do you think it was because I am the smartest?" They all quickly laughed and said, "no..." I think it's because I am willing to be used. Not because of my qualifications or my extreme devotion. Really if that was what it took, I would have been disqualified years ago. No, its all because of His ability to work through me and my willingness to be used by Him for the sake of HIS name and glory.
So, as I get used to living with my hands only loosely holding on to anything, I am aware that I am not doing this for my glory but for HIS. I know that I am not worthy and no amount of personal sacrifice will make me worthy, but through His grace we are all able to come before His throne confidently and proclaim His greatness to all languages, peoples, and nations. To God be the Glory!