Sown in Tears...

In my life, I think I have had things pretty easy. Life in India and being so far from home and family as well as the struggles of being in a place where things don't go like they "should" has not been easy, but pretty much everything is do-able. I have had my share of tears, no doubt, but nothing has been as hard as what I am about to write. This is the first time I have actually shared this in writing, so it might sound a bit raw, but its just me being real and accepting life as it is.

I have always wanted to have a scores of kiddos... I wanted 5 since I was little. Ryan and I compromised on 3, and soon after we got married we figured we should start. As you all know, our planning and timing was not the Lord's.... and we have seen all the emotions: patience, anxiousness, bitterness, confusion, as well as contentment, waiting on our baby. Our kids. I have gone through seasons of jealousy, anger, excitement, fear, as well as grieving the loss of something I might never have.

This last week God gave me a verse for someone else who is having a baby and has gone through her own share of tears along the way of the birth of this little guy, and as I shared it with her, I realized that it was also for me.

Psalm 126:5-6 "Those who sow in tears, will reap with songs of JOY. He who goes out carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of JOY, carrying sheaves with him."

There is something to be gained through the months and years of tears, waiting. I wish there was a way to just change things and make our adoption easier, or for us to have a baby naturally, but it is just a long, HARD road. Some days I am so grateful for the time I have now to prepare our home, and make the perfect quilt and crochet projects. I have lots of time to pour into language and work here in our city and I have energy and time to be out with people, building relationships. I am thankful. But it does not make it easier. I still have my moments when I wonder if it will EVER happen... Adoption is not for the feint of heart. It is a long, detailed process that is WAY out of my comfort zone, and living internationally and adopting from a different country makes things even more insane. But this is our life. And for some reason, God wants to teach me through my tears how to be more like HIM. How to have compassion on people in a way I have never shown compassion before. I don't think this adoption is just creating a better life for a child, or a way for Ryan and I to grow our family, but it is a way for God to grow us, deepen our relationship with him, and remind us that we are not in control of anything, but everything is in HIS sovereign hands. 


It is still SO long until the day we will finally get to hold our little guy in our arms.... We have so much more paperwork and there could be delays for any number of things, but we are just trusting that one day, "our faith will be sight"(at least in this area) and we will be able to hug and kiss our little Rainbolt... or Rainbolts!.... and that we will be unable to contain the songs of JOY as we carry our sheaves home with us! I long for that day, but like my mom said once, "It's not on the mountain tops that our faith grows deep roots... It's down in the valleys, when life is hard and maybe a bit sad that we can deepen our roots and grow us to bring HIM more Glory." So, we will continue to carry out the seed, and plant it in places we have not been before, and even as we sow in tears, we know that there will one day be a harvest. I wish we could just stop all the injustices in the world and life could just work like we plan, but our God is too good to just let us have everything we want. He sometimes does not give us the things we ask for simply because he knows the future better than we do. Maybe there can never be a harvest without the tears to begin with... to water the long hardened ground... so that God can produce a harvest of JOY! I want to be part of THAT... and even when "the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vine, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen, and no cattle in the stalls, YET I WILL REJOICE IN THE LORD, I will be joyful in GOD my Savior." Habakkuk 3:17-18