Saturday, November 10, 2012

the next step

I really don't want to write this, but I know its necessary. Just in case you don't know how Ethiopian adoption works these days, it takes two trips to get your little ones home, so we did our first trip, fell in LOVE with our little men, and now we are home. In an empty-ish house. waiting. and waiting. LONGING for the day we are a forever family, but this is the long, hard, dry season. or maybe its a snowy winter. its for sure not the summer sun where everything is perfect. and its not the rain where we feel blessings pouring. But I KNOW that God does not want me to wallow in my sadness of leaving the boys. I can't help but think about them everyday. ache to be with them. to see their expressive faces once again, knowing they save their best smiles for momma. I want to be able to move deeper in my love for my Jesus, but also my babies. I know that Jesus loves my babies even more than I do... he created them before I knew who they were and they are so precious to him... and the more I fall in love with Jesus, the more I fall in love with my boys. but somewhere in my deepest heart, i feel bitterness trying to root. It says how unfair this process is, and how I have a right to be mad at the policies, or the people that have done wrong to make a more through process and two trips necessary, and even at God for not letting it work out quicker. but i want to fight that bitterness so it will not root in me! I don't want to be bitter at Ethiopia... it gave me the two most beautiful babies! And the wrongs people have done (unethical practices: i.e. baby "buying" or trafficking and abuse) these are a part of our world because its no longer eden.... we live in a fallen world and there no escaping it. and most of all, I don't want to be bitter at God. He did not create us to live in resentment or anger or bitterness. He wants us to walk in JOY and LOVE and PEACE...

its not natural for a momma to have to leave her babies across the world... its not natural for a daddy to have not control over the protection and provision of his little men. its hard. no candy coating it. but here we are. and what to do? give it back to the only one who is in control and holding our little men when we can't. and He will make sure they are protected and provided for even better than we can.

I asked Him this morning, "what do you want to do with me during this time? I know its not for me to just sit back and sadly just wait until our next trip and THEN life can begin again..." and I just knew that there is so much that He wants me to learn and grow deeper with Him in. Since the beginning of this process, I knew it was NOT about growing our family, but about me and HIM growing closer to together. And its not been easy. And i don't see it getting easier. But its so sweet. I love how Jesus doesn't give us what we ask for... at least in the way that we expect him to... I asked for a baby, and for 2 1/2 years, his answer seemed to be no. and it was hard. bitterness tried to root then too! And out of HIS grace, we NOW have 2 boys! The cutest EVER! and I would have never met them if God had given me my first request... and there would be two more orphans with out a family. and in the rest of the process I need to continue to trust that just like He has had His hand on everything... He will continue to have His hand on everything. I was just drinking my coffee and a song came into my head, "All this pain, i wonder if i'll ever find my way. i wonder if my life could really change at all...." "you make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out of the dust, you make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out of us." "all around hope is springing up from this old ground, out of chaos life is being found in me"

I want the Lord to make me into a beautiful thing... for HIS glory and to make this waiting not just something we look back on and wish we had done some things differently... or how we could have done so much more... I want there to be hope springing up in the dry ground of life around us. and I want to be useful and not just waiting. but some times, just taking the next step out the door takes all the strength that I have. this is good... its when sarah ends that the Lord begins... and somedays i run out of me sooner than others. But we try to take one more step again... and then again...

We don't want the rainbolt house to ever be a depressing place... we want people to come in and feel the spirit of the Lord there. So even while we wait... and celebrate the next few holidays without these cute faces with us... we want it to be filled with Joy, Hope, and the expectancy of what the next few months hold and what the Lord can do with us while we wait!

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