Wednesday, November 21, 2012

these days...

I would like to think that in the next three months, I will be able to daily check everything off my "to-do" list and get everything done, and then life can get a bit more complicated when the boys come home. But life is not that simple. The last few weeks in South Asia have been somewhat insane. The biggest festival of the year, Diwali was last week... and the fire crackers are STILL going off. (They really love the loud ones that shake the windows.) I would plan to get together with friends, but it would have to be postponed because of Diwali and needing family time. Then there was a political party founder/leader who died and the whole city enforced mourning that lasted for two days. There was no food shops open! If you had not stocked up, you could not feed your family! (thankfully I have somewhat of a hoarding issue when it comes to my kitchen... not really, but we were fine) They even blocked the movie channels on the TV, no taxis were on the roads. It was the most eerie quiet I have ever heard in this loud city of constant motion. And again, people planned on coming over, but the lack of transportation made it impossible. Church was even cancelled. You know its for real if they do that!

So here I am. I woke up with a bad crick in my neck and can hardly turn to the left. But I want to check things off my list. I want to be used by the lord. I have my long (and unattainable) list that in my imagination I can get done on a day before I have the boys home.... but I have to remember that I live in South Asia. And things don't go on MY timeline. I can plan stuff, but it does not mean it will work out. I can try to get Christmas decorations, but they don't put them out in stores until the week before Christmas (And I heard Wal-mart had them out before November!) I did make stockings, which were really easy and quite fulfilling! I had the dilemma of writing "Sarah" or "Mommy". I went with Sarah since that is still my main identity, and it will be three or four years before the boys can read them and by then we will make new stockings and I can write Mommy on it then if I want. They look better in person, but made with ALL south asian materials... Thankful for a good textile market!

And with thinking how to get things done, I have to come to the realization again that my worth and identity is not based on my check list or really my performance on anything, but it lies only in the grace given me by my father. He can use this simple, yet willing girl with a muscle spasm and because it will be obvious that I could not have done it on my own. He will get the glory instead of me. and that's what I really want. I want Him to tell me what to write on my "to-do" list and to let me know its ok if I don't get it accomplished in one day.

We are still waiting on a letter to finalize our court for our adoption. The fact that it has taken over 20 days is rough. We really are hoping that today is the day. Every "bing" on the computer, Ryan and I check to see if its the email that we are waiting for... Other people have gotten there letter, so we know it is coming which is comforting. We just trust that God already knows the time that we will bring our boys into our home... They already fill our days with joy and love. We watch videos of them over and over! I want to trust not only IN him, but TRUST HIM! I found a quote on pinterest that was exactly what I needed.

I had some new photos from some who were just at our boys care center... and it was the FIRST time I have seen Josiah smile for anyone other than US.... It made my day! When I left him there after loving on him and giving him undivided attention for 10 days (and this little guy LOVES attention! He is 100% extroverted!) He looked at me as I put him back in his crib where almost all of his life has happened and I know, he's too little to really think this, but I he gave me a look that was questioning... Like, he wondered why his nanny was back, and he was here instead of with me and daddy and his new brother. He had been "talking" and laughing and constantly making noise, but there, he was silent and laid there sucking his favorite two fingers. I know. Its a stretch. But I felt extra sad leaving him there. But seeing that he did smile again made my heart soar! I KNOW the nannies love them... They cried when I took them with me for 10 days! And they cried more at seeing me leave them without them then even I did at that moment. SO thankful for love like that.

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