Being Needy...

The last few weeks, the Lord has been showing me more and more what it means to be needy. Sometimes I see it in the eyes of the beggars or those who live, cook, and take care of babies on the side of the road. Or in the eyes of a new mom who can't figure out how to get her baby to sleep. Or on the face of a friend who is walking through a tough season. I see needs, and I LOVE to help with them. Sometimes its hard to know what to do, but when I know, I DO IT, and I LOVE IT! It's one thing to give to people just because but to really be able to serve someone in their great need is truely fabulous.

So here I am, learning about giving to the needy, and like I mentioned in my last post, I see how I do not have it all together, and my feelings of loneliness and fear of failing try to sneak back in. It's in the big and the small things. For example, I took both kids to the market. Daniel rode in a carrier on my front and Josiah walked or was carried on my hip throughout a busy market while I also carried lots of bags of fruit, chai, and new sandals. We were doing ok, but as we made our last purchase, and started flag down a rickshaw to take us home, the banana seller told me to stop and he would get an auto rickshaw for us. I am very capable of getting a rickshaw myself and Sarah from a few weeks ago might have told him, "Don't worry about me and keep selling your bananas. I know the language and customs here, and I don't need help." But this time I  saw something I had missed before: the look in his eyes of JOY. Of being able to serve someone who is genuinely in need. The same feeling I get from meeting a true need was in HIS face. I did appreciate someone noticing that my hands were full, and offering to give me a bit of his time was really a selfless act on his part.  I wondered how many other times my confidence in my own abilities (i.e. pride) had keep someone else from receiving this joy. What other ways have I not been venerable of my weaknesses and not received the blessing of another ministering to me or them receiving that joy of service? We had dinner guests and I let them serve me by doing the dishes. Its a small thing, maybe even makes me sound soft or slightly selfish, but its not easy for a "I can do it myself. I have it all together." person to allow others to do jobs I have the capability but maybe not the energy to do. Almost two year old twins take a toll on your energy levels... not to mention just living everyday life in a foreign country. But I am not looking for sympathy, I am just admitting a need, and thanking the Lord in advance for meeting today's needs in whatever way He chooses. I get needy emotionally and realized that if I don't let anyone know that I am lonely or discouraged, unless they are really perceptive, no one around me can help me. It's too much to expect people to know what you are thinking, sometimes you just have to voice the need. I seem to be finding that most people are delighted to hear ways they can help or things to pray for... I might in my flesh be content with letting everyone continue to think of me as "wonderwoman" or "supermom" but I am so far from it. and its wrong. It's comical for me to think that I would spend extra energy and effort to keep up a facade when I can admit a need and find friends eager to help and excited to love on me in the ways I need. Or let a stranger give me assistance: like holding the boys hand while I pull out the money, or push the elevator button so i don't have to rearrange the bags I am carrying, or helping me get the boys into their car seats. Nothing like kids to help you to see how little you can do on your own. And to realize that I don't have to do it on my own. I should not even try to do it on my own. He created community for this very purpose. To provide for the needs of those around you and give support and encouragement.  Physical, Emotional, and Spiritual needs are all met by the one who called us, and he uses all kinds of hands and feet to accomplish them as well... let us be sincere and open with those around us and be eager and willing to be His hands when you see others needs.
"Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with god's people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you. Bless and do not curse, Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited." Romans 12:9-16
Even this week, I need pray-er. I have been doing so much intense language study and its time that I can turn in a recording of a conversation. If I get a good enough score, I will be able to have more time to devote to other things than just language class and attempting to correct grammar mistakes and go out and do more serving and sharing. Honestly, I love to talk and I can keep conversations going and interesting and its been an incredibly humbling experience to have not passed the actual conversation we are graded on with a high enough score a few times before. Anyone who talks with me very long in our second language cannot believe that I have not reached that score. I have spent too much energy and effort complaining and giving excuses why the system is not an accurate way to determine language ability, or how my understanding is far greater than others who have passed... Even if I was thinking things that were true, they were not helpful and all it has done is left me feeling discouraged and frustrated. I am needing the Lord to give me his peace and his grace as I spend the last few days preparing and not get all worked up and fearful that I might be just under the mark again. Admitting my need for pray-er for language just now has me in tears again, wishing I could still be the girl that has it all together who never needs to ask for help, but I know that lie would keep me chained to my fears. But I will be joyful in HOPE. Thanks for pra-ying.

having it all together?

One of the biggest lies in our christian circles is that people in ministry have it all together. It's so easy to put people up on a pedestal who have shown the world that they want to serve him with their life as well as their vocation. We don't think that they would ever struggle with the same daily life issues and troubles that we go through. We think they are free from temptation and incapable of having rough seasons. They have given their whole life to the Lord, so it is just easy for them to live for Him, right?
 I am here to be honest and say it's not easy for us. I have felt the need to try to keep up the facade that I have it all together, and I bought into the lie that if anyone saw how messy my life really is, they wonder what God ever saw in me. I fight against the temptation to be believe that my worth as a person in ministry is dictated by my fruit and not being the best at everything means I am a failure. We struggle with the daily grind (cleaning up splatters of milk off the wall and cheerios on the floor... mounds of laundry that never stop... kids that don't obey...dinner that does not cook itself, and the dishes that go with it) We struggle with temptation for all kinds of things- envy, impatience, disrespect, anger, and the list goes on. We struggle with discouragement and fight against the desire to quit and go home (searching for that easy life we though we could find serving!). We long to be noticed and cared for, but many times it is just assumed we are ok, so our trials go unnoticed. Often, we work so hard caring for others and being out serving that we don't know we are struggling ourselves until we are at a breaking point.We go through seasons of loneliness and we watch our children walk through loneliness and the sad goodbyes with grandparents on the other side of the world that will rip your heart out. It's not easy. Often it's not at all fun and exotic to live on the other side of the world, even though we do have those moments as well. I have so many things that make life here more comfortable than I expected, but then I have a month like this one and I realize that this really is my life, with the joys and the pain. It will always be about goodbyes. It will always have struggles. I will always be an outsider, and even when I go home to my home culture, I will be weird there too. I don't know the latest fashions or keep up with many US cultural trends. My husband and I will not always see eye to eye, and we will go through times of miscommunication. I try my very best at language, but it will never be as comfortable as English is for me. I will be tempted in ways I never thought possible, and I will give in to discouragement more times than I can count. It will never be easy.  But when I signed up for this, did anyone say it would be easy? no, not really. I think I just bought into the lie that if I was called to it, I'd just love it all the time. I imagined that the one who called would make the road "easy" and I would not have deep valleys of struggle. Or maybe I thought I would love the valleys because thats where the Lord grows us the most. But here I am. wishing things were different. being in a valley, but just feeling alone. too often giving in to discouragement and discontentment. giving in to anger (esp at my kids, who are just being kids) And I am asking the lord for the grace to just make it through the day. On the one hand, I know its just part of life here, and what better place to be than at the "end of Sarah" so that HIS power can be seen though my life... and the other hand knows it's good, but feels the pain and "not-at-all fun-ness" of it. I want to go into survival mode where I don't have to think about the implications of my actions and just survive for a while. Maybe no one would fault me for it... we are under lots of stress just living in a third world country.... with twin toddlers and minimal help around the house, full time ministry and language study, sometimes just getting a healthy dinner on the table, clean laundry, and a mopped floor are as unattainable as the underdog getting the gold medal. I don't mean to complain, but honestly we all feel this way at times. But I can't just survive here. If all I needed to do was feed my family and keep house, I could do that anywhere, but I am called here. And I can't not share truth. I can't stop learning language. I can't spend my days grieving what I can't have only to miss the things I do have. So this blog may be mostly for me to write it out to give myself that motivation to press on. Or to ask HIM to give me the motivation and discernment to know what to pour my life into. To open the word when I am discouraged. To write a letter to someone who might also be discouraged. To lovingly prepare dinner and clean my house for HIS glory. To treat my husband with respect. To share truth with my neighbors and intentionally go out to meet people. To study language when a TV show would be much more fun. To invite people over for chai and prayer. To trust that HIS plan is way better than mine and I can trust the future to Him, and He will take care of it.  "Even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you." Phil. 2:17

Encourage someone who is serving around you today. Let them know you support them and let them be real around you. None of us deserve to be on any pedestals except for the one we follow, who saved us. Lift Him High!

1 year GOTCHA DAY!

I can hardly believe that its already been one year of kissing my babies goodnight! 365 nights! It is amazing how much they have grown over the past year. They learned to crawl, walk, run, jump, climb... you name it, they will try it! They are so funny.... I know I am biased but these boys keep us laughing. Daniel makes silly faces and clicks his tongue really well, and Josiah has a huge tickle spot which sometimes I just look at, and it makes him laugh! They both like to entertain and a crowd is normal and exciting for them. Every time we go out, they have to shake hands with everyone we meet on the elevator and especially all the guards at our building. Today one of the guards we see everyday picked up Josiah and gave him a sweet hug. Most people don't talk to each other on the elevator (or lift as it is called here) so when the boys start a conversation with their little "Hi!", it is awesome to see peoples' responses. And I bet not many other people have a daily handshake with the guards. They rarely act shy, they both are so outgoing and loving towards all the people we meet everyday as we go out.

These boys are the best cuddle-rs... and they have unlimited supply of hugs. I love starting my day with a cup of coffee and Josiah in my lap reading a book peacefully. After breakfast, you can expect a cantaloupe "flavored" kiss or scrambled egg fingers running through your hair as they say "I love you" in their own unique ways. Through out the day, they find ways to show me they love me, and we are working on obeying and its awesome to see them learn to put their toys away, to stop doing something when I ask them too, or to see them playing together so well. They take awesome naps (most of the time) but right now I hear them talking to each other from their cribs on each side of the room. Twins. Gotta love it!

We don't even want to think about where they would be if God had not placed them in our family when he did... or even what our life would be without them. They keep our house on its toes, that is for sure! We just bow in reverence to the holy one who saw fit to connect us... and stand in awe that he did THIS : He put 2 lonely boys in a family... and filled a barren couples house with children, and its ALL for HIS glory. I could never praise Him enough for all the things He has done. "The Lord has done great things for us, and we are FILLED with JOY." Psalm 126:3

Hope you enjoy the video. Everytime the boys watch it, they delightedly squeal as they see their Daddy and Momma picking them up! I love being able to share the story of their adoption as a limited picture of the redeeming love that brought all who believe into HIS family. I can only imagine THAT Gotcha day... when all our faith will be sight and we will forever sing His praises! Hallelujah, What a Savior!

 

Gotcha Day Video

Blessings...

This blog is a prequal to the boys ONE YEAR HOME (aka Gotcha day! which is Jan. 22nd)... that blog will come soon, with a video, but this blog is just today... in this moment. Sitting here with the most amazing homemade sea salt caramel latte, halfway watching Enchanted on TV while all three of my boys catch a Sunday afternoon nap, and I am overwhelmed with the blessings in my life. The sermon this morning was about "the good, the better and the blessed" He spoke on how many times we work for the better things in life, but miss out on the BEST things which are the blessings of the Lord. I know for us, the best thing that happened in our marriage is not being able to have a child naturally. I for sure did not see this as a real blessing, even though I did try. The song "Blessings" by Laura Story was the motto that kept me sane. "What if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise." I still sometimes wish it was not our lot in life, but I would not change the past years with Ryan and all the lessons we have learned for anything in the world. The two precious littles sleeping in the next room are by far some of the most precious blessings I have ever been blessed with! The road to bring them home was not easy, but worth every tear and bit of paperwork. The boys are not perfect, but totally the most amazing fit for our family and those little smiles can melt ANYONE'S heart! I love listening to them laugh, and start playing well together... watching them share their toys and learn to make all the animal noises. Teaching them to obey has been a humbling experience and somehow seeing their little foot stomps in anger reminds me of how often I have stomped my foot at the almighty asking for something better or a different lot in life- thinking that I am deserving of the best things, which would be in my definition of best. Everytime, I have been astounded by His patience with this disobedient child and He longs to teach us all to trust him and his plans for us, which after experiences with him, we know are way better than our own ideas of good. I desire to teach my boys to be men of faith who trust in the unseen to do more than we could ever imagine. I want them to be men of truth that will stand for what is right, to defend the cause of the fatherless and strive for justice in the ways that please the Lord. I want them to be a light for the nations and that they will desire that all men know the truth. I pray that they give Him control of their days so they can make His name famous. I want to teach them to praise the Lord and to love to be in his presence. They love praise music and will dance to it for hours (no joke. Its in their blood) and I am excited for the days we will get to talk about the Lord and his truth and hear their simple questions of child like faith and gently guide them to Jesus.

This morning as they both stood hugging my legs, I touched their their little heads and rubbed my fingers through their tight little curls. They are a head taller than my knees and all of a sudden I realized one day they will be taller than me and I was overwhelmed. I will not be able to hold them close like they need me to now, and they will not need to be fed and cared for in such a hands on fashion. So I will cherish those moments when they do need me, even though it is exhausting... I admit its hard work. Kids require so much effort... twins are double lots of times.... and I sometimes wish that it was not always me that they run to when they are upset. They love their daddy, but most of the time, at least when they need something, its Momma they call for. oh but I love it. They need momma to cuddle with when they are scared, or hurt, or overwhelmed. Its past my understanding to be able to hold and kiss the forehead one of the blessings of the Lord in my life. And as I hear them starting up get up from their nap, I am thankful even more for the Lord who put them in my life and for whom I serve and live for.

on a not so deep note, I just got them up, enjoyed sweet wake up kisses, and started to put away the laundry... then i heard the sound of running water. never good with two almost 2 year olds. Lemonade all over the coffee table. such is life with two little helpers!

2013 in photos...

What a year! it has been filled with amazing, "blow your mind" kinds of blessings... and also its own share of hard times, but I can say with full assurance that the Lord has proven himself to us as FAITHFUL in all that has happened. What a JOY to serve a God that i can trust that this next year will also be filled with HIS faithfulness and peace no matter what comes. I will recap some of the highlights like mile markers of His goodness...
Jan: Waiting on being cleared to go pick up our boys.... We were cleared and traveled to Ethiopia and picked them up on Jan 22. Our lives are forever changed!

Feb: Waited in Ethiopia for a few weeks for Josiah's file to officially clear and on Feb 14, we flew to America... they became citizens on arrival, and we met up with Ryan's mom and Sarah's mom and dad! One of the best Valentines day's ever!

March: SOOOO many firsts.... first haircut (for Daniel) first restaurant outing, first crawls, first tooth.... plus meeting more uncles and aunts and grandparents and then a trip to India!

 

April: We learned so much and grew so much in this month. They started getting anywhere they wanted to go and pulling up. 

May: It was REALLY hot in India and it was the beginning of mango season... we really enjoyed swimming and smoothies.

June: We celebrated their first birthday this month... Josiah started walking around on his own, and Daniel took his first steps on the 30th!

July: Celebrated the 4th of July with flags, and the boys started to say mama and dada!

August: Celebrated Indian Independence day and took some new family photos. The boys are both going at one speed: FAST!

Sept: We took a trip to Sri Lanka and got to see ELEPHANTS... and play in the pool and ocean. Daniel is a little fish and can stay afloat alone with his floaties!

Oct: We opened a package from Ryan's mom with boots and capes... they LOVE to play superhero dress up!

Nov:  The boys are more and more fun! We had a great thanksgiving with our friends here in India! Josiah had his head shaved but Daniel only needed a trim!

Dec: We had such an amazing time preparing for Christmas and my parents came for a visit and we had SOOO much fun! They started saying more words and they can make animal sounds!

Happy New YEAR everyone! I am sure 2014 will be filled with lots of adventures around here... and we pray that your lives are also filled with the JOY of Jesus and the hope that life with him brings!

eyes that see....

On the way to church yesterday, I saw something I have often looked at, but never really seen before. I had the boys in the car seats and Ryan was doing a training at another church, so even just getting everything ready alone for all of us had been a task. I went a way that I often drive, and was stopped at the same signal I am often stopped at. Sitting in the median was a family that lives protected by the concrete dividers in the middle of this busy road. Most times I only notice the beggars that tap on our car window, but this time, I saw the families that live there. A mother, probably young, but her skin weathered from outdoor living, was patiently brushing her older daughters hair lovingly and gently. South Asians have amazing hair, but without the luxury of water, shampoo, and coconut oil, I can imagine the tangles in that hair were tough to brush out. But she did it so gently. There were also some girls just twirling around to some imaginary music just living in the joy that comes from laughing with friends and family. I also saw a daddy caressing and kissing his sleeping little man in his arms, who was about the size of my boys. I could hardly stop tears as I looked at their faces- they were not begging for anything... they might have been in want, but unlike some others they were not demanding that I give something to them. They seemed content... so unlikely that if this was my lot in life that I would find joy in the midst of struggle. I would call myself an outdoorsy person, but I greatly love my house with a roof over my head at night. Sleeping under the stars with only a concrete over pass to protect is not ideal. I thought about taking a picture of them, but that might be exploiting them, but just picture with me the people you pass every day that you might have seen but never looked at. We all have them... people at our office, checkout counter, walking a dog out our window... and all of them deserve a smile and the chance to hear about our great God. There may not be a chance for you to share every time you see them, but you can pray. I was not able to get out of my car with the boys in the back and share with these people, but I prayed, and the prayers for them changed my outlook on my day. I could have been annoyed that I had to deal with both little guys alone at church (no nursery here!) or that when I came home I had to clean and cook while taking care of them all alone... but because of the impact of praying for those road side dwellers, I saw my work as a joy, and a privilege to have a house to clean, to have food- good healthy food to cook, a place to bathe my boys and clean pajamas to dress them in, and a bed with freshly washed sheets.

I was blessed by this word of the Lord today, and I thought I would share with you as you prepare your heart and home for Christmas. Let the GLORY of the LORD ARISE in and around us.... and let us SEE it...


Isaiah 60:1-5
“Arise, shine, for your light has come,
    and the glory of the Lord rises upon you.
² See, darkness covers the earth
    and thick darkness is over the peoples,
but the Lord rises upon you
    and his glory appears over you.
³ Nations will come to your light,
    and kings to the brightness of your dawn.

⁴ “Lift up your eyes and look about you:
    All assemble and come to you;
your sons come from afar,
    and your daughters are carried on the hip.
⁵ Then you will look and be radiant,
    your heart will throb and swell with joy;
the wealth on the seas will be brought to you,
    to you the riches of the nations will come.

Being Their Momma

Being a mom has been one of the most amazing, challenging, and rewarding things I have ever done. Raising twin boys is seriously crazy, but every moment with them is filled with excitement, noise, food, trucks, slides, giggles... such a huge blessing. and every morning as they wake up, I watch in wonder as they grasp me around the neck and hold me tight. They call me momma! ME! I have wanted to be a momma for my whole life, even though I did not know what it would look like or what it would involve.

As I sit with food crusting on the high chair, and toys scattered on the floor, I laugh in my heart with the joy that they bring. Along with the messes come sweet indescribable moments filled with the intimate love that only a momma and her babies have. Sons are truly an inheritance from God, and I can't be more in love with HIM for giving them to our family... or with them... those little sweeties (who sometimes masquerade as a destruction duo!!) I don't know what it feels like to birth a child and to have them look up at you with your eyes or smile, but these Ethiopians could not be any more perfect for our family.

I will never get tired of being called their momma. The feeling that overcomes my whole being and I am simply in AWE of the creator that he saw fit to create them for us and to place in our family tree a graft from a whole other culture and country to be called "Rainbolts". Wow. And they want me to BE their momma! That blows my mind too! They are still pretty little, but they are intimately attached to me and Ryan and when I hear them say, "momma.... dada" I fall in love all over again! I assume any loving mother feels this way about their children, but I just find it to be even more divine when you find this type deep love and joy when there is no genetics or biological ties. They could not be more loved if they were biological... and I do still cringe a little when people ask, "Are they really your children?" YES. Instead of being annoyed that not everyone can understand the mystery of adoption or the love that a momma has for her babies (yes, sometimes Momma Bear comes out and wants to lash out when someone makes a comment about the color of their skin, or if I ever want "my own" children) but I need to use these opportunities to share about the adoption we have in Christ and how he loved us when we were most unlovable. The picture of the gospel that God has written on the faces of my little boys is precious. They are not perfect. I am far from perfect. But He is always perfect. And He chooses the little children to led us to truth. the simple things to confound the wise.  In their eyes, people see true Joy and the love of the creator who did not leave them as orphans, but HE came for them and rescued them. As a loving Father, He has cherished them and placed the lonely in families.

Seriously, I just marvel at the goodness of the Lord to put them in our lives and to not only grow and change them right before my eyes, but he grows and changes me in the process. I am still far too selfish and I like things my way and I need ME time, but overwhelmingly the day is now not build around me or what I want to do, but around how we can serve others, to help the boys grow and learn, and most importantly around HIM and what HE wants us to do. What an amazing God we serve that He gives us far more than we deserve. And in His strength we press on to know Him more and share His fame around the world. and I will cherish every laugh, every smile... and even say thanks to Him for the dirty floors and scattered trucks and teddy bears.