Abby Grace is 6!!!

 Here it is again... August 16. My baby girls birthday. I always spend this day in awe of the sweet gift of God that this girly is to us but also with the tension of knowing there is a mother out there that may also be thinking about that girl. I wonder if she thinks about how big she might be and if she sees other 6 year olds and wonders if her girl was that big yet. Does she wonder if she has her same hair or dimples, or if she prefers baby dolls or superheros? Does she wear dresses everyday or athletic shorts? Would she prefer to sing or play basketball? In a perfect world, this mother gin China would have never had to wonder these things since families would always stay together, but that would also mean that my home would also be filled with kids who shared my need for sunscreen and Daddy’s eye color. A perfect world would mean there is no need for adoption, because Families would never have a cause to be separated, and there would be no infertility and the grief that comes with that. But we are not in a perfect world, but one that is broken. This year (2020) especially we feel the broken places and wonder how long Lord Jesus?...  but we  know that He is the creator of life and he longs for us to abide in Him. When we do, He will abide in us and He will heal our broken places when we allow Him. There will be scars from the struggles and broken places, but they will speak of His goodness, how He takes care of His children, to the world who is desperate to find the truth and for that to set them free. Healing takes time and we are all on a journey to freedom- some days going easier than others. The scars our family has healed through have not been easy but as we press on I can see that even when He does not  answer my prayers in the way I hoped or give us the quick  easy fix to an issue, we can  see His mercy to  walk along side us on the jounrey and we can trust that He will never leave or forsake us. 

My heart is filled to the brim with love for this 6 year old girl. She gives the best hugs and her giggles are amazing. She lifts my heart and gives me courage like no one has before. She makes me want to be more brave- to seek to be more like Jesus so I can be the kind of mother that this strong, kind girl needs. The way she loves her brothers so strongly is so precious and in the rare moments we are not together, they are thrilled to be with each other again. If I  run out to he store without her, she acts like I had been gone forever when I get home and she runs to be with me as fast as she can.  She can help with chores and is starting to read and write better everyday. She swims like she is part mermaid and can put away some rice or noodles. ( or a whole plate of IKEA meatballs) 

Abby Grace,  there is no other girl in the world I would rather be Mother to than you, sweet girl with a big smile. I want you to know that I will always love you and will alway support you as you heal through the broken places, we will cry through the pain and celebrate the victories as we journey towards healing and that he stories our scars tell will draw people to Jesus. He is the only one you need to give you true joy in  this broken world, and I pray you will  see more and more the depth of His love for you. I love you to the moon and back,  and amazingly and Jesus loves you even more!

4 year old girl

It is that time of year already... Abby Grace's birthday! We are spending the summer in India and are able to meet up with so many of our old friends and the kids are thriving. We had a fabulous Peppa Pig birthday party with so many friends and food and games. Even Hunny (my mom) was crazy enough to come visit for a few days and experienced the "fun" of 15+ kids in a small apartment. It was pouring rain outside, but thankfully we had fun indoor things to do since we could not play out at the playground. Abby Grace loved having all her friends over and eating a Muddy Puddle birthday cake while we sat in pretend muddle puddles on the floor and I read them the Peppa Pig birthday story book.

This little girl is amazing. She is growing so fast in so many ways, yet she still seems so small sometimes. She has joy that radiates from her smile and she loves to cuddle. She has been a mommas girl since day one, and she is really getting into the fun of games and coloring and reading books. She loves to play pretend with her babies and her play kitchen and food. She listens to read alouds with her brothers and is almost as much into Narnia as they are. She eats just about anything we put in front of her and is totally finished with any therapy and it's amazing to see how far she has come and how her life shows the power of God to heal. She loves animals especially dogs and cats that she can pet. She wants to keep up with brothers in all things. Swimming almost everyday has helped her become an amazing swimmer. She is a great traveler and easily adapts to new places. She all of a sudden decided that she only needs on foot on each step and she is the bravest kid I have ever seen. She loves Gymnastics class and can do forward rolls and flips really well, but her favorite part is the balance beam. She loves to jump on the trampoline and never wants to be left out of anything that momma could need help with.  3 has been a great age but I am sure this 4 year old will bring such fun to our house.

Her birthday celebrations makes me think of the amazingly strong woman in China who physically birthed my little wonder girl and my heart aches for her to know the truth of God who loves her and would do anything to bring her into his family. Since she left the note with Abby Grace's birthday, I feel strongly that she is going to remember this date and mostly likely she would be wondering where her baby girl is, if she was able to survive through surgery and live a normal life (which she is!) I wonder if she thinks, "Does she has a family that loves her? Does she has siblings? What does she like to play? What does she like to eat?" I wonder if Abby Grace has her eyes, or if her tiny frame is from the hard start in life that she had, or is she genenticly thin and may never be on an American growth chart. So many questions about medical history and physical features will have to wait since we have no way of answering them. Adoption is full of so many blessings, but some questions without answers and issues without the known root of the problem add to the complexity of family. But what a JOY this little girl (and her brothers) bring to our family! We love you baby girl and love that you are such an important part of our family and we are so glad that God made you a Rainbolt.

Hush.

As we start out a new year, I was thinking of where God has brought us in the last one. It brought changes that altered my projected plan, and even though there were far less hospitalizations then 2016, it had its share of trying days. We packed up our life in India, the place I loved (and yet also found impossible at times), the place where our family had made a home. After time in the US, we left the convenience of Kroger, Target, and Mothers Day Out and moved to an amazing place to start life in the next season. We made some new friends and found a church, figured out the best grocery stores, got a dog, and overall started to make home here. Yet in the moments of quiet, I found my heart anxious and struggling to find my purpose here. Starting home school with the boys has been more of challenge than I first imagined. I think because I am so idealistic I thought we would all sit around just loving to learn all day and the boys would be so excited to learn to read, they would beg me to start school everyday. Not so much. Being a hopeful Idealist (aka dreamer) has its advantages and struggles... As I try to not worry about how to do life here in the desert, if my kids are going to turn out ok, or what my role is and how to support my family and point others to Jesus, I listened to a new Nichole Nordeman song and the Lord used the words to draw to me to Him in a deep way. Abby Grace and I were headed to the grocery store and tears started to pour as the Lord spoke so clearly over me, "Hush, Hush. You don't have to have the answers. I will gather all the branches, I will light a fire for you, rest your head till you've had rest enough. Hush, now Hush." Another line says, "I love you in the scorching sun, one cup of water at a time, til you remember that you are mine, I'll love you back together." The picture in my mind was so clear of me helping Abby Grace to sleep at night. She has been going through a season of crying and just really not liking the night time and I sing over her to calm her and gently tell her to hush. As their mother, I want my kids to trust that I will take care of them and they don't need to worry. I know that the morning dawns after even the longest, darkest night. I know I will be there to pick her up after nursery, I know he does not need to eat so fast because there will be enough food for everyone at the table, I know who God says he is even though peers might call him hurtful words... And if an imperfect mother like me knows that I will take care of my kids even though they can't see the end yet, how much more is the perfect, Heavenly Father able to assure me to Hush and trust that He has the answers. He sees me and He knows what lies ahead and will be with me every step of the way. Giving me rest, a cup of water along the dry hot road, and He will put the pieces of my wounded heart back together with His love in a way that only the perfect Father can. And in the most gentle, loving voice that ever was, I hear the call to just be still and know that He is God and to trust that He knows what He is doing and what lies ahead. Morning will dawn after the darkest night, He will never leave me even when my actions are anything be admirable, He will provide what we need and when we know WHOSE we are, we find out our purpose and why we are here. Only He already knows what this next year will hold, but I am excited to see what He wants to do with us and how He will spread His kingdom.

Isaiah 43:19 See, I am doing a new thing!
    Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
    and streams in the wasteland.

3 years old!

(this should have been posted in August, but life hit and I totally forgot to post it!)
My baby girl is still baby size, but man is she growing up fast. Since moving to this part of the world, she has potty trained herself, adds to her vocabulary seemingly daily, learned her colors and counting, swims fearlessly (with a floatie, but she wants to go without and I dare say she will be swimming like a pro soon!), and has deepened her love for her family. She keeps up with her brothers and stands up for herself. She has started doing preschool at home while I work with the boys in Kindergarten and she keeps up with alot that they are doing. She has improved health wise in so many ways as well. We have been to seen the cardiologist here several times just for check ups. Last week at the check up, they said her pulmonary pressures were normal. WHOA! So we knew she had severe pulmonary hypertension when we picked her up, and we hoped it would not be as bad as it appeared (which it was as bad or worse than we feared!) or that it would reverse after heart surgery. It lowered, but not to a point that the Cardiologist would call it reversed. Until now. She has been on medicine for over a year, and her surgery was over a year ago as well. After lots of prayer and I know the healing hand of our God, here she is... weaning off of the medicine! We want to wean it slowly, but seriously, how amazing is our God! I could just hardly believe it... The cardiologist said she needed to grow and as she grew the pressures would lessen and her hypertension would reverse. So even though she still seems so little, she is growing and all the things that we cannot see on the inside are growing as well.

As we celebrated her birthday, I can't help but think about her birth mother and pray that she has a chance to hear about our great God. I pray that she finds peace in her choice to let AG become a Rainbolt and that she somehow knows that her precious daughter is cherished, cared for, and given a chance to live a long life. If she had not been able to get the surgery, her life expectancy would have been much shorter... Dr's that hear her story and see her file have said things like, "You guys saved her life" and I can't take any of the credit, ALL the praise goes to the ONLY one who did the actually saving of her life, protecting her through the months waiting on surgery in a cold orphanage, struggling with multiple bouts with pneumonia because they had no idea of her swallow issues. He has even brought her through the months of therapy and is healing her from the inside in a way that I could not fix. What a Joy to be Momma to such a cutie who is kind and helpful in our home. I love that God chose us to raise her and teach her in the way that she should go. She always tells me, "I will be your best friend forever, momma" I know it will not always be perfect, but I will always let her be my best friend. 

The house hunt

Life on this side of the world is always a new adventure and part of the "fun" in finding out how things work. Getting a lease on a house here is different than the other places we have lived so it took some time to get everything set so we were able to look at houses and rent one. One of the things I LOVE about my husband is that it is a GO-getter! If he can get it done, he will. This also means that he makes decisions at lightning speed, so most of the time I just try to keep up. With the choice of the house, I knew I needed to think through what I felt our family needed and be able to express it to Ryan so that we did not regret our house selection. We started by looking on an app that has houses for rent. So convenient to look online and put up filters for the neighborhoods and amenities you want. I found a long list of possibilities and one Friday (which is like Sunday here) we started calling, not thinking that anyone would really answer or show us houses. The first few did not answer, but then one guy answered. He said it would meet us at the house in half an hour. We have planned on having a friend watch the kids while we house hunted, but with such short notice we just decided to take them with us. The first house was amazing and just what I had pictured from the pictures on the app. The pool out the window sold the kids on it, but Ryan had a few reservations. The real estate guy said, "I will show you one more" and we said sure and packed up the kids in the car. After the next house, he said again, "I will show you one more." We kept going to houses and stopped believing him that he would show us "one more." Ryan found one that he loved, but I had reservations about it. I just felt like when it was the right one we would both know. At the 7th house of the day, we found it. By this time we were not even getting the kids out the car, but leaving them in the AC and taking turns going in and checking out the house. At this house, we fell for the open space in the living room and big kitchen, but most of all, the GRASS in the backyard. Its a shared yard with a pool behind a fence and a mini gym we can use. The boys will love having friends that share the yard with us. They make friends fast. It is also in a great neighborhood where several people from our new church live near and we have found great grocery stores and South Asian stores near by as well. There is a big park nearby with a great playground and walking track. Planes also pass right overhead while playing at the park and all three of my boys get excited to see big planes so close. We already tried out the pool one evening and we are so excited to get the power turned on so we can move in! We also had a couple that was moving countries so we bought their stuff... so instead of having to shop for everything and then put it together... (we love IKEA, but it takes effort) we have a group of movers that sets it up for us! We actually get the stuff Tuesday afternoon, and then leave on Thursday for Thailand, so I am so grateful that we get IN to the house before we go. Originally we had no idea how long the process of the visa and then house hunting would be and we were afraid that we would leave for Thailand and have to wait til we came back to finalize a place. We will  post pictures of the house when we get moved in!

Josiah with the pile of suitcases.

Outside view of our villa and pool.

The walking track with a plane passing.

The parks play area. 

One year Post Surgery

Exactly one year ago, we kissed our sweet baby girl and told her see her soon and watched the doctors push her into the operating room. It was hard, but it made me so grateful to know that the one who guided the surgeons hands had held my baby girl's heart since before she was born. We sat in the waiting room not sure about what to do with ourselves. My amazing coworkers from India had written me cards that were to be read on Abby Grace's surgery day. I knew the surgery should take 5-8 hours so I planned out how many cards I could open per hour so I scheduled them for encouragement throughout the day. We had several people stop by to pray with us and help us not worry. It really was a day that I can look back and see how truly God is in control and in our moments of greatest need, He gives us more. As I opened the note from my sweet friend, the first tears of that day streamed down my face, I was amazed at how her words, written over a month before, thousands of miles away could touch my heart in such a deep way. It was a reminder that we are not in this life alone, but as believers, we are family. We support each other in joys and in trials. I love that sometimes, ignorance is bliss... A surgical nurse would come give an update every few hours and when they came back and said, "She is off bypass and doing great. She will coming to ICU soon" we figured that the worst was over and we thanked the Lord for his work in her heart. We waited and waited. We had no idea how long of a time frame it would be from closing up to wheeling her in to where we could see her. Finally, the nurse came back again and said that after the surgeon took her off bypass, he thought he should put a bigger patch on the VSD and so he put her back on bypass and put a bigger patch on it. When the surgeon was finally done, he came to see us and tell us how it went. He said it was the biggest hole he had ever patched. He said something had just made him want to go back in and add a bigger patch even though it was not easy. I told him that we had so many people that had been praying that he would be guided and would know just what to do and that God had used his hands to go back in and patch up that hole and Abby Grace's life would forever be better because of his wisdom and use of skill.
Our God is so great, and so amazing to give us such good gifts, and even on what could have been one of the worst days, we found hope and joy and did not need to dwell in fear or sadness. Then I thought about how life was going to change for this little girl. I am so humbled to be THIS special girl's momma. All of a sudden the closets were full of dresses, pink bows, baby dolls, as well as medical supplies. The first weeks of carrying her around with an oxygen tank were hard but it became normal. I joked that since I already had carried around twins for years, it was no big deal to have a baby on one arm and a oxygen tank hanging on the other. And she got better so quickly. Before, when we were in the hospital, all the dr.'s and medical students would come listen to her heart to hear such a unique heart beat. It was called the "absence of silence" because so much blood was going the wrong way, whooshing through the large hole in her heart into the lungs with every heartbeat. Now she has a normal heartbeat. Its just amazing. Pretty much anything that has happened with this girl is nothing short of a miracle. When I see her running, jumping, swimming, laughing, and even screaming, I think about where she was before, unable to walk or cry for very long because it took so much out of her to get upset. Our first weeks in China, she would point to her bed and imply she wanted a nap or to go to bed because living life was extra exhausting for her. Now she is like a energizer bunny that keeps going and going and would be fine skipping naps and gets sad when its bedtime.

I am so grateful for the lessons learned in this last year, and for the life altering choice to bring Abby Grace in our family. I would not have it any other way! One look at her little smile and I melt, even more in love with her and the one who saw fit to create her, and who has made her heart whole again. God deserves all the praise for His work in her life, and also in mine. He has made me realize my own dependence on Him and my smallness in light of all He is. He is sovereign over us, giving us strength within our sorrow and brings beauty from our tears. I am so thankful for the lessons learned in the valley, and I would not wish them away for a million mountain top experiences.

one week in the desert!

Its been one week since we arrive at the beautiful urban desert. We have been blessed to have a nice two bedroom furnished apartment to sort of settle into as we wait for a permanent visa. The kids were amazing flyers and we had no issues coming over. We arrived at 11:30 at night and took a taxi to our place and slept until morning. Black out curtains are amazing and have helped the kids sleep until 8 most mornings. To help avoid jet lag, I keep the kids busy, lots of sunshine and playing, and no nap for the most part. It has really worked and our nights are full of sleep, but now I am afraid Abby Grace thinks this no nap in the day thing is great... one step at a time.

We have a small kitchen in our place so I have been learning where to get the things I need to cook. Thankfully, there are several grocery stores within walking distance and even one so close I can run down get the one thing I need and back up in 5 minutes. Fruits and vegetables are pretty cheap here so we have lots of fresh items for snacks and I love giving them real fruit instead of fruit snacks! We have a stove but not an oven, which is not a big deal, until I start cooking and realize my recipe calls for 350 for 30 minutes... but its amazing what you can improvise on the stove top! We have taken the metro, gone to the highest tower in the world, and explored several malls. There is so much more of this city to discover. Ryan figured out how to rent a car, (taxi's were so expensive, and we will learn the city quicker driving ourselves) so we have a cute little sedan. Traffic here is so different than what I am used to (its a far cry from small town Arkansas and lots more rules than the Indian roads) but we are learning our way around. I even drove us to IKEA which is only about 15 minutes, but I felt so accomplished.

One thing that really excited me was seeing people from all over the world living here. The neighborhood we are staying in has mostly South Asians, and as I pass people, I understand the conversations (and they have no idea I know Hindi) and the grocery stores sell the familiar brands from India. There are also people from Africa, other parts of Asia and lots from Europe and Australia as well. We have visited a church that has people from all over the world. I realized as I was talking with a sweet family from China that as we live and work here, my children that have come from different parts of the globe will have the unique opportunity to have mirrors of people that look like them. I love them deeply and can teach them about living right, following the Lord, all the things they need academically... but I have never been an African man, or a Chinese woman... And here are people worshiping the lord alongside us that could be a mirror for our kids. This is a huge gift and I thank the Lord for giving us this opportunity to live here in this season and to pour into the lives of the people we come in contact with. There were three African men who high fived the children, and their class seemed to have light skinned kids as the minority. The Chinese family we met home schools and has a son my boys age and she really wants to meet up and talk through how to help the kids learn well even with short attention spans. I told her I am in the same boat, but we can learn to paddle together and find ways to learn through play and let the kindergarten year be a year we teach them to love to learn.

We hope to find a more permanent place hopefully by July, but for now, we will enjoy this cute little space. We head to India in a few weeks to get out stuff from there and see our friends again! So excited to see them!